Kim gave the audience a historical perspective of discipline in the home from the time when families stayed together for much of the day; communities had generally consistent discipline approaches and outside influences were minimal. As parents left the home to work and children left the home for school, outside influence began to take a role in shaping the children’s behaviours, beliefs and attitudes; in response many parents moved into an authoritarian approach to parenting that required instant obedience and unquestioning acceptance. As the children raised in this environment grew up, there was a backlash to this heavy handed treatment and more liberal parenting styles emerged. Permissive parenting, natural consequences, democratic family management and many more styles were presented by the burgeoning flux of parenting experts to an audience of hungry parents searching for the appropriate solution.

The most striking point for me in Kim’s discussion was my recognition of what has drawn me towards the more liberal and democratic approaches to parenting, the deep rooted desire to make the “right” choice, to provide the children with the upbringing that serves them best. In my observation of the variety of parenting styles, I saw the integrity and honesty in the parents who were seeking a better way, the ones who may not have found the “right” approach but who had a heartfelt desire to do so. This level of commitment moves and inspires me while the heavy handed authoritarian approach does not. After Kim so clearly demonstrated and spoke to the problems associated with both these styles of parenting I resonated through experience with his ideas and wondered, “what now”?

Using child development as a guideline for parental responses, Kim presented his ideas on parenting children today using a middle ground between the extremes, matching responses to the age of the child and the importance of staying confident and calm. I learned how vital our role of authority is especially to the young child who is looking for our guidance, wanting us to create a safe and loving environment in which they can freely explore. Our children want to hear “no” at the appropriate moment and they want to know you mean it. And they will test you, they will push boundaries, repeat requests and do it anyways but always they are seeking the same consistent response, a firm, loving redirection back to the action you do want from them. Kim explained the importance of teaching our children what boundaries feel like, what healthy choices look like and how to make the best decision by watching their parent do it for them, from this safe foundation the child can begin to make these choices for themselves to a larger degree as they age. We must do the work first in order for our children to take it on themselves; lead by example and your children will follow.

Kim’s presentation came at the opportune time for me, just as I had adjusted my parenting to reflect my sons need for loving authority I found in Kim’s work the intellectual ideas behind my intuitive knowing and I am seeing the positive results of taking a leading role in my family. I have deep gratitude to all of the parents, teachers and guides who offer their sincere efforts to the children today and the parents charged with their care.
If you would like to learn more about Kim Payne’s work with discipline visit his website.

For Local resources Liz Amyral offers her “Power to Parent” course regularly throughout the year and can be contacted through Nelson Community Services Center

The Nelson Waldorf School will be offering a discussion group on the “Soul of Discipline” as presented by Kim Payne and will provide handouts and audio resources. Contact the school at 250.352.6919 for dates and times.

Here are suggestions from parents:

• Cycle the gifts: Have children choose some of their things to leave out for Santa (or St Nicholas, the advent angel, or invent a new fairy!)
• Have the children package up some of their things (old toys or new gifts) to give away to those in need
• Hold a gift exchange:  everyone picks an item that has meaning to them but which they’re ready to let go of.  At the exchange, everyone receives one gift and hears its story from the original owner.
• Home made gifts:  instill in children the idea that simple items made by hand are the most precious of gifts.
• Buy it yourself: suggest that grandparents (or other gift givers) send money in advance, and let them know you will choose and buy the child’s present, wrap it and put the giver’s name on it.  Saves them time, lets you choose an appropriate gift!
• Make a donation to a charity in lieu of gifts. Send all of the people on your holiday list a brief letter with pictures of your family letting them know that your family has chosen to make a  donation to charity in their name.
• ‘Secret Santa’ or One Person One Gift:  Have everyone (a household, an extended family group, or a group of friends) pick one name out of a hat.  You are then responsible to give the person whose name you picked a gift, and only that person (keep it secret!).  Everyone thus receives one gift and gives one gift.
• Alternatively, pick names and then secretly be extra nice to that person.  At the end of the day, week, or visit, try to guess who picked your name!
• Pace gift opening to encourage enjoyment of gifts.  Open some Christmas Eve, some Christmas Day, some Boxing Day (substitute Winter Solstice or your holiday of choice).  Allows each gift to be appreciated and helps to avoid the ‘extreme-high-then-let-down’ of doing it all at once.
• Emphasize ritual and tradition in ways that are meaningful to you.  For example, create a daily or weekly ritual during advent with a candle to be lit or a figure to be moved in a scene.  Recommended books that describe simple celebrations are Lighting the Lantern (available at Maple Rose) and Celebrating Festivals with Children
• Celebrate alternative traditions such as Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, or Kwanza.  For ideas on celebrating earth- and goddess-based festivals with children see the book Circle Round.
• Simplify decorating.  Keep it simple with an advent candle or a seasonal nature table.  Or clear space for your decorations rather than decorating on top of existing ‘stuff’.

I recently revisited a favorite book of mine “Parenting from the Heart” by Inbal Kashtan and reflected on this compassionate technique for connecting with our children. Inbal offers her interpretation of Marshal Rosenberg’s work in Non Violent Communication and how we can apply it in daily life with our families. Connecting compassionately and working with my child is the vision I hold of a healthy, responsive and respectful relationship in which both of us trust the process and know we are valued in every interaction. At this point in my parenting it is still hit and miss and I find myself relying on methods of “power over” rather than “power with” from time to time. Yet they are less common now and my son has become an advocate for communicating with respect so that when I forget he is quick to remind me that, “I don’t want to be spoken to that way mom.”

“Parenting from the Heart” is a 45 page book full of practical suggestions on creating a relationship of trust with our children in which we ensure that all of our needs are recognized and held as valuable in all of our interactions with one another. The underlying principles of this book include taking the time to find out what everyone is feeling and needing, to connect with ourselves and one another, and finding a point of agreement that works for everyone. Inbal offers 10 exercises for the parents to work on as they come to understand the process of Non Violent Communication. From translating judgments and releasing habitual response patterns to mediating conflict this booklet provides parents with practical tools for working with their children for harmony and balance in the home.

I had the extraordinary pleasure of attending a weeklong workshop with Inbal and at least 60 other people of all ages. For one whole week I was surrounded by people putting forth their best efforts at connecting compassionately. I saw a reality in which everyone’s needs truly did matter, where resources, time and care were given to each issue as it arose. This family camp let me see that it is entirely possible to create a community in which human relationship is elevated to a place of honour and that all else takes care of itself when we take care of one another.

Two years later I continue to be inspired by both the book and the family camp that showed me the world which I long for exists every time I make the effort to relate to people compassionately. I began by creating a new form of communication with my son and I have taken that into all of my relationships. I look forward to the day that this process lives in me fully and I no longer miss the mark. To learn more about Inbal Kashtan and “Parenting from the Heart” visit http://www.cnvc.org/motherin.htm and check out Inbal’s work.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, “Speak to us of Children.”

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

by Kahil Gibran

I really love the essence of this poem, the idea that we are to do our own work so that our children may fly cleanly and clearly forward into the future that waits to receive them.  We are encouraged to lovingly hand our children to themselves, to be content within ourselves to the extent that we can allow the soul qualities of our children to shine forth unencumbered.

I strive to do this with my son by looking at each situation from multiple view points, by pulling out the pieces and finding where my work remains. I am committed to continued growth, acknowledging that perfect parenting does not exist only perfection in the desire to always do my best.

When I engage in doing my own work, seek to know more and give myself the time and space I need, I am serving both myself and my child. We are both being freed to do our soul work and to create the reality in which we want to live. I have seen this time and again in my life and the life of others. I believe that our children are perfect mirrors, polished even, showing us what we love to look at and what we most fear.

There is no discrimination in a mirror, it simply reflects back what stands in front of it. We may not enjoy what we see in the mirror yet trying to make the mirror change what it reflects gets us nowhere. By taking an honest look into the mirror; identifying and owning both what serves us and what does not we are enabled to pull out the pieces that need support and attention. We can simply name what is no longer working and seek ways to change the pattern.
When my child does something I have modeled many times before, no change can be made in his being until I make the change first in my own. When I have done my work I can then, with integrity, request that the same change be made in my son. I have also noticed that when I am doing my work I come up against far fewer challenges with my son, he is free to be that arrow to shoot forward as his own being without my thoughts, my dreams and my desires weighing him down.

I rejoice at the prospect of what the next generation brings forward. They are bringing with them an energy that we have not seen, they bring with them an entirely new way of experiencing life that will take us all in a direction we have sought throughout the ages. I believe “we are the ones we have been waiting for”; we are being called upon to take up the tasks that will bring about change and our children are the ones who will step freely into this change as enlightened, energized beings aware of their inherent power to create in joy.

By doing my work and clearing the path my son and the children of his generation will bring us the change that we have all been seeking.

In gratitude,
Georgia

From birth onwards we require touch to provide us with feedback about ourselves and the world in which we live. The quality of touch we receive informs us about our environment, the people who care for us and what we can expect now and in the future. A loving hand caressing a baby’s belly as she is being washed conveys love, nurturing and respect; the baby knows she is safe and can relax in that knowledge. Holding the baby or child while she cries, rages, laughs, and rests tells the child that all parts of her being are loved and valued and that she will be cared for and responded to in a way that helps her grow into a healthy adult. (See the Attachment Parenting website for more information.)

This instinctive caring of our children, by holding them, massaging them and gently washing their bodies, meets a cultural road block as the child ages. In western society we have forgotten how to touch each other as friends, coworkers, parents, siblings and fellow humans. Touch has been reserved for the bedroom and an expensive monthly massage rather than remaining part of our daily interactions with one another. Yet our children continue to require nurturing touch for the healthy growth and development of their entire being. Touch helps develop the brain, physical growth, emotional intelligence, compassion, empathy, connection and much more. So how do we continue to give our children the benefits of touch in a society that has sexualized all touch and where the dangers of inappropriate touch are very real?

I believe the answer lies in developing a healthy attitude about touch within yourself and your family. Explore your beliefs, fears and judgements around touch and seek a new understanding of the importance of touch in all of our lives. From this point, you can create nurturing touch within your family that supports healthy growth while honouring the always changing needs of every family member. As your child grows she will move away from you naturally seeking more independence as she explores her environment but you remain her touchstone, the place she returns to for safety and security. You can foster a healthy attitude around touch by snuggling with your child while you read, placing a hand on her shoulder as you speak, offering hugs as needed and providing a nurturing back rub in the evening. This contact strengthens bonds, reduces stress and provides space for caring and connection. Teaching our children about the importance of touch includes relearning it ourselves and modeling caring through healthy touch with the people we care for.

Touch is a basic human need that in our Western culture goes largely unmet. Without touch both people and animals lose their connection with themselves and others around them. Neurotic behaviours develop within the individual as they suffer from the effects of physical isolation. We are social beings and our survival depends upon the continued connection with one another including the connections and communication forged through touch. Make an effort today to reach out to your family, literally and watch the difference in your interactions; notice if you are able to enjoy and appreciate one another more. The benefits of regular human touch are infinite and I would love to see our community reconnect with this important part of human interaction.

In the past, discipline has been used in a heavy-handed way to control the actions of others. In fact our culture still often uses discipline in this way and it is this heavy handedness that I react to. Choice, autonomy, freedom and self-expression are valuable needs to me and I have been vocal about this since I was a young child. I reacted to attempts at discipline with fierceness that I did not understand until I was an adult. Now I understand that I needed to trust that I would be heard and respected, that my right to make choices was protected. I also understand now that children need the firmness of discipline in order to feel secure and loved.

To bring together my understanding of the needs for security and choice in relation to discipline I decided to research other people’s work on discipline; beginning with the work of Magda Gerber at http://www.rie.org/discipline.htm. Magda approaches discipline of children from a place of understanding children’s developmental needs, parents and caregiver’s responsibilities and the long-term implications of our choices in raising children. Magda begins with a definition of the word disciple, which I have paraphrased here. Discipline has at its root the word disciple: one who learns from and carries forth the work of a learned master. Discipline is therefore the work set forth by the master to guide and correct the actions of the disciple. I feel more relaxed when I look at discipline in this context as well as slightly alarmed at the implications this holds for me as an adult caring for and guiding young children.

The relaxation comes from my taking a word, an idea and giving it new meaning; holding it to the light for re-examination and finding the jewel hidden inside. Of course as young children we come to the world needing varying degrees of care and structured guidance. Without this our development is stunted; we can grow outwards but never grow up. The form or structure of discipline allows us to progress to higher levels of achievement which in turn releases us from the need for that form and structure. When we bump up against the walls of discipline we know someone cares enough about us to stand between us and danger or discomfort and then bolstered by that knowledge we are encouraged to shift our responses to ones that supports our continued development. My understanding of discipline in this way helps me welcome it into my life so I can continue to grow while guiding the children in my life as well.

I am also deeply humbled by the thought of discipline as a guiding of the disciple. I question my right to be in such a role and wonder if I have truly learned enough to guide others. I have begun to understand that much of the discipline I use in work and at home is in fact the example I lead by. The way that I speak to others, the caring I provide, the food choices I make, the rest I take; everything I do is a form of discipline that I am sharing with the children. As Teacher and Parent I step into the role of master and I must be prepared for this each day; which includes, understanding when it is time to firmly guide, redirect and stop behaviours that are not in the best intetest of the child, myself or others involved in the situation. When I am using discipline in this more overt form there needs to be a resolve in my decision that is conveyed through my words, my body and my actions. Discipline does not require anger but it does require resolute, consistent and conscientious attention to the situation as it presents it self. I have a better understanding of discipline now that allows me to meet each challenging situation or behaviour with an inner understanding of my role in guiding the outcome. Discipline is no longer a word I react to with fear and loathing instead I welcome the opportunity for growth.

Schools have long been the place where our children’s social skills; or lack of, have been brought to the forefront. Many would even suggest that the most important learning done at school is the social learning. It is important to note; that if this is the case, we must also recognize that this learning is largely done unguided by adults. While the curriculum focus suggested by the governing bodies of local school districts continue to focus on future work-place skills the children continue to be the social creatures they are and explore this world of human interaction on their own. I have been learning about four separate programs in my community aimed at supporting children socially.

Many local preschools have been implementing a program called Safe Spaces that aims to bring early awareness to children and their caregivers; (including families), about issues such as exclusion and bullying. This program has met with enormous success as demonstrated in classrooms in which all children are valued for the contributions they make. Children are being guided with caring support in creating a compassionate space in which all people are physically, emotionally and socially safe. This careful guiding is something adults have done when teaching children to speak, dance, swim and play and I applaud those who are now recognizing the importance of guiding social interactions with the same awareness and care.

Several local public school have begun to implement both the work of Barbara Coloroso (www.kidsareworthit.com) and Sue Hart/Victoria Kindle (http://k-hcommunication.com/) in supporting a healthy social environment. Using local trainers and written work by Coloroso and Hart the schools have educated the teachers and assistants in how to direct social interactions in a manner that supports each child. Our complacency in allowing difficult and often dangerous social interactions to occur is named by Coloroso and proactive solutions are suggested. The adults in these schools have taken up the challenge and our children are reaping the benefits through increased feelings of safety and confidence at school and a wider social circle that embraces diversity.

Waldorf schools in North America have turned towards Kim John Payne, an experienced teacher and counselor, for direction in how to manage the social situations at their schools. Kim’s work (www.thechildtoday.com) has focused on redirecting children’s behaviour in the moment as well as creating a no blame atmosphere that allows each person to express their experience and decide upon a solution for future interactions. Waldorf schools that have implemented this program for a number of years are seeing dramatic enrollment increases specifically linked to the socially supportive environment that is offered.

What would it cost the rest of us to place social learning at a place of importance equal to the other subjects learned at school? Certainly the teachers would be required to update their knowledge; investing time and possibly money to learn the skills needed to carefully guide children through the social environment. School districts would need to respond with openness to the importance of social skills in children’s life and would also need to free up resources for teacher and staff training. As parents we too would need to acknowledge the value of developing social skills to ensure the teachers are supported in their work. This seems like a small shift to make when we look at the benefits our children, families, communities and the wider world receive when everyone is valued and cared for. Social inclusion has wide implications far beyond the classroom but that is where they begin. When we teach from a young age with respect and compassion it reaches into all aspects of our life contributing to a sense of well being that allows us move forth with thoughtfulness and consideration.

First, I reflect on the words of a wise woman I read only last week, “This is your gentle reminder that you are not in control, that someone is looking out for you, wanting to get your attention – and most importantly, that when life does not go as planned, it is, always is, a good thing.” (Kasha Ritter, 2005) That helps, especially since it is so clearly evident as I survey the toy-strewn floor and the overflowing sink of dishes that I am most certainly NOT in control here. Where did I go wrong (right)? I intended on waking early Saturday morning and doing all my chores before my son woke up so we could spend the day hiking with friends, then with fun crossed off the list I could attend to all those other important matters. That was The Plan. The Plan failed to manifest and showed signs of deterioration immediately on Saturday morning when warm feet and a good book kept me under the covers until 9:00 am.

Somehow we made it to our friend’s house by eleven, where once again, fate stepped in, and the simple discovery that the sled hill still works when the snow is gone led to hours of pulling the toboggan up and down right in the back yard. We did eventually go hiking, I think we even made it five or six hundred meters down the trail, we picnicked, peeled logs, discovered tracks, a new waterfall due to runoff, and a bridge from which to recreate the game of ‘Pooh Sticks’, invented by that bear of eternal contentment and blissful now reality.

The entire weekend followed this pattern, and here it is Sunday night. There are those darn chores calling out to me, the to-do list that grew a few inches, even when neglected so completely for two days, and that fearful creature called a weekday that must be contended with in a mere nine hours. I again return to the words of that wise woman as she guides me further, “So, the next time your day ‘falls apart’, pause, say thanks, and enjoy the ride.” Now I feel my body relax as I look over at my son, who with the help of his friends created the natural disaster in our living room; his peaceful sleep comes from another day well-lived in which all possibilities were explored and heart- based desires followed. I am thankful, and I most certainly enjoyed the ride; within an hour the mess will be gone, and I will join him in the dream world.

Blessings,
Georgia

The care and concern behind our words of praise are, for the most part, genuine and convey to our children our emotional reactions to their success. But what else does praise convey? Is it telling the children that they have the skills, perseverance and knowledge to accomplish the same task again and others that are more difficult? Are the children’s self esteem bolstered and their drive to challenge themselves reinforced? That is the hope and often the intention of praise, yet recent research is pointing in the other direction; telling us in fact that generalized praise can have the opposite effect than we are hoping for.

Alfie Kohn has written a number of books that look at the use of praise at home and in the classroom. His book “Punished by Rewards” provides the reader with an in-depth look at the use and abuse of praise in child rearing and education. Both Kohn and researcher Carol Dweck have done extensive research on the short and long term effects of praise. Their research highlights the negative impact our expressions of praise have on the children’s belief in their own skills and abilities. Contrary to popular belief, the use of praise can actually de-motivate a child as they struggle to bring into balance our words of praise and their real life experiences, which will inevitably include disappointments and failure. Children hear generalized praise and begin to develop a false understanding of intelligence and learning.

When we place children in accelerated programs, label them as gifted and shower praise upon them, they come to believe that intelligence is a fixed ability unrelated to effort; a birthright rather than a skill that can be developed. Generalized praise has been shown to act as a deterrent to increased effort and attempting tasks that may prove to be too difficult to master on the first try. Children gifted in a variety of skills can lose their drive to push themselves to learn more and come to rely upon the adults to provide many of the answers.

On the other hand, children who are praised for specific, repeatable behaviors that focus on the effort they used to accomplish a task, experience a spike in self-esteem that translates into a desire to increase efforts regardless of eventual outcome. The children given specific praise will attempt and even enjoy the challenge of a task that is beyond their ability to successfully complete. Further research has shown that this effect can be reinforced when the children are given information about the development of the brain and how repeated effort can create new neural pathways. These children are learning that intelligence is malleable and that they are in control of increasing their skill base and performance at school.

How do we as adults shift out of the use of habitual non- specific praise? How do we express our excitement, joy and love when our children experience success? Praise is one way we create connections with our children and help direct their behaviour and I am not suggesting that we abandon it completely. Rather, I am suggesting that adults widen their definition of success to include times when a child has exerted an effort and not obtained the final goal and learn how to use specific praise that focuses on efforts made. In this way we can continue to share our feelings when our children succeed and at the same time support our children in developing self-driven motivation to continue learning. For more information about the use of praise please visit the following web link; http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ .

As young babies, our children will use whatever resource they have to communicate their needs to us. For some this is a simple psychic connection in which the parents are tuned into the child to the degree that the baby’s needs are met as easily and quickly as the parents own needs. For others this requires more active and vocal communication is the form of crying, screaming and agitation. The point at which we respond is an indication to the child for future reference of what they need to do in order to get our attention. This feedback loop is setting the stage for a long time to come and will have an enormous impact on our long-term interactions with our children.

I clearly remember the first 18 months of my son’s life in which he would cry inconsolably for two hours every night, like clockwork from midnight until two. I walked in all weather up and down the street and through the house rocking my child; fluctuating between deep compassion and exhausted collapse. Then one night I awoke to the screams with the thought that he simply needed to go pee and sorely disliked a wet diaper. I took him to the toilet and within moments of using the toilet he was asleep. It was over, after 18 months of crying I had finally heeded the call and responded appropriately. This lesson has come back to me repeatedly over the years as I have gotten better at reading the unspoken messages my child sends me. We have developed a call and response system that is built on mutual respect, right timing and a consideration for each other’s needs in any given moment.

I believe there is always a need behind every form of communication a child uses regardless of whether I enjoy the way the child has sought my attention. I seek to respond to the need while educating the child on how I prefer to be communicated with and how they can best get others to respond to them in a positive way. When a child uses a form of communication I do not enjoy such as hitting, biting or screaming I seek to understand the underlying issue. I believe that children are always seeking to belong and any action they use that threatens this basic survival need is done in desperation. I do not think we serve our children when we punish them for using actions we do not approve of instead we can support them with age appropriate lessons on what we would prefer. If we respond to the child before they use this behaviour or respond compassionately when they do, they learn both that they are valued and that they have other options.

These lessons reverberate throughout the child’s life impacting their image of themselves and their beliefs about the world around them. I want children to grow into healthy adults who are confident in themselves and their community to meet the diverse needs of a thriving society. When we respond to our child we are telling them that they matter, that what they have to say will be heard and that how they communicate contributes to their wellbeing. From the hungry cry of an infant to the silent communication of the teenager our children are always talking and it is up to us to listen.

Our communication with our children can begin the moment we are ready to listen to them and develops at the rate and to the degree we are willing to engage. I have friends who met their children in dreams and visions long before conception so that when the child was born a deep connection was already forged. I also have friends who met their children as adults due to adoption or a life made to busy to connect and still a deep connection was created. Our children are always ready to enter conversation with us