As I wrote several posts ago, I often get very inspired when trail running or hiking.  Ideas come to me that I get excited about, but the excitement doesn’t often carry into my day-to-day life.  About a month ago I decided to see if I could change that.  I wanted to see if I could expand my window of tolerance for aliveness and inspiration during my day-to-day life by following through on some of the ideas that come to me while trail running.
The first idea that I decided to try out was to meet at least one stranger a day and ask him or her what is most important to him or her.  While running through the freshness and beauty of the forest, this idea was uplifting:  I would meet lots of people, learn a lot about myself and others, and have an urban adventure to write about.  Back in the city, amongst the glass and glitter, jackhammers and horns, and throngs of strangers (many glued to cell phones), the idea felt more awkward than exciting.  Nonetheless, I took a leap and launched my Stranger Connection experiment.
The response has been quite varied.  In three weeks I’ve asked or tried to ask over thirty different strangers what is most important to them.  I’ve talked to strangers from Iran, Singapore, China, France, the Caribbean, the US, and Canada.  Complete strangers have told me what is most important to them, including answers like family, health, Jesus, love, the world, music, travel, God, the sun, following dreams, just living, justice for all, and more.
Not surprisingly, not everyone I approached was happy to have a total stranger greet them and ask them such a personal question.  Despite my efforts to be warm and friendly, some didn’t answer at all and looked very uncomfortable and on the verge of bolting.  When I got this kind of response, I would acknowledge that it was an awkward and unusual thing I was doing, but my acknowledging that didn’t seem to help.  So I would apologize and relieve them of the encounter.  However, more than a few strangers have opened up and shared quite easily, not just about what is most important to them but also about their lives.   Those who continued chatting with me almost invariably began telling me about their families: a sister back in Iran with cancer, two sons who made being a father a dream come true, children who had come to Canada and then sponsored the person I was talking to (no longer a stranger, now a new friend) to join them here, and so on.
Eventually, I gave up.  I enjoyed the connections with strangers who opened up, but I couldn’t expand my window of tolerance for facing the awkward meetings and was feeling more and more reluctant to keep trying.  Sometimes I wandered up and down Robson Street or circled around intersections trying to build up my courage and find a friendly-looking stranger.
I believe the main problem was that my approach to meeting strangers was too much of a stretch for my window of tolerance and for the windows of tolerance of many of the strangers I attempted to meet.  My approach to meeting strangers was to go up to them, say “excuse me,” and then ask them if I could ask them a question.  If they said “yes” I would then ask them what is most important to them in life.  In the beginning I loved the idea of initiating a memorable event that might get people thinking more about what is important to them (I’m a sucker for quirky boldness).  But the awkwardness wore me down.
The good news is that I have regrouped and found a new approach that is working much better for me.  Since implementing my new approach I have had two very enjoyable experiences.  One was with a stranger from France who, when he was nine years old, knew he wanted to move to Canada and work in the film industry.  A week prior to my meeting him he had moved to Canada to take a job in special effects in the film industry.  He told me that what is most important to him is to know what you want.  The second stranger I met told me that what is most important to him is to know what is right for him in any given moment.  On a whim I then asked him what he wished wasn’t important to him, adding that I wasn’t attached to his answering the question.  He replied that he wished he wouldn’t get swayed by what others thought was right.
Stay tuned for more blog posts about my Stranger Connection experiment or follow along on Twitter http://twitter.com/#!/strangerconnect
Read on if you’re interested in more information about windows of tolerance.
We all have a window of tolerance for the amount or intensity of feeling-painful or pleasurable-we can experience before our amygdalas (the part of our limbic system in our brains that is most interested in survival and acceptance) activate the fight/flight or freeze vagal nerves.  When we go into fight/flight, our jaw, face, throat, chest, and stomach become tense; our heart rate and blood pressure increase; and we feel some flavour of fear or anger.  When we go into freeze, our face freezes and our bodies collapse and go numb; our heart rate and blood pressure decreases; and we feel hopelessness, shame, and confusion.  The more activated the amygdala gets, the further we go into fight/flight or freeze and the stronger the emotions and body reactions will be.
As babies and children our windows of tolerance are increased by having parents and primary care givers who can attune with us when we are upset or excited, reflect back our experience, and regulate their own emotions.  If the parents or care givers are not able to stay present with our experience and they become upset or pull away or try to shut down our feelings in some way, it’s a sign that they have left their window of tolerance and have gone to some degree into fight/flight or freeze.  Children cope with this loss of connection by holding back their feelings and shrinking their aliveness so that their windows of tolerance match those of their parents.  This is because attunement with parents is built into our biology for survival.
I believe all parents are doing their best, given the trauma and loss of connection from their upbringing.  If parents and care givers can get the support they need to heal their past experiences, they can expand their windows of tolerance for feelings and then stay more present with their upset or excited children allowing them to expand their windows of tolerance.  If parents don’t get the support they need, all is far from lost.  Our brains are neuroplastic, which means that we can continue healing and expanding our windows of tolerance throughout our lives.
The above information on windows of tolerance is from my informal study of Interpersonal Neurobiology.  For more information about Interpersonal Neurobiology look for the work of Bonnie Badenoch, Daniel Siegel and Louis Cozolino.  For more about the Vagal Nerve look for the work of Stephen Porges.  If you have other sources to recommend, please do so below.
“If you’re not stretching your comfort zone, you might miss out on some hidden treasures.  If you stretch it too far, you might miss out on some hidden treasures.”